The Invisible Dad

My dad exists in this world but in my world he was nowhere to be found.

Though I could see him, I could hear him and I could smell him but yet at the same time he was invisible to me.

When it was time to go to bed at night my dad was nowere to be found instead there was only tears that my pillow held and unanswered prayers that soothe me to sleep.

When dawn arise there was no father waiting and anticipating for his lovely daughter to arise running to jump into his lap to feel his warm embrace of his love he has for her.

Instead I awoke to a cold bare floor that hit my feet, I awoke to the despair that yet I live to see another day and I woke to the reality that I live with an invisible daddy.

No matter how much my heart yearn to know what it must be like to have a father who loves his daughter unconditionally I knew way deep down inside of me that I would never know what that means.

For me there was always the sounds of parents rumbling around, yelling and fighting but the warm embrace that I craved for the most from my daddy would always be met with unbroken promises.

I was to go through the mundane daily actives with no father by side to guide me, to be proud of me, to cheer me on or just take joy in what his daughter was doing.

No I was left to live with my invisible daddy who would never fulfill what his daughter heart desire the most his unconditional love.

All I ever wanted from you was to fell that you really did love me unconditionally, to know that you was proud of me, and that you believe in me but it was not I that matter the most in your life, it was your woman and alcohol.

Not only did I have to bare the sting of your love for boozing and woman but my mother too, somewhere deep in our hearts we knew we could never compete with that, but mother she tried her best and I just accepted the fact a long time ago that I lived with an invisible daddy.

The pain I lived in for so long, the hunger for your attention and the cravings for your unconditional love could not become more of a reality for me as the day when you walked out on me.

There I was running and chasing after you begging you to not leave me me though I never really had you because you where always invisible to me.

But I was happy to keep going on living this way just knowing that you exist in my life daily, but to just poof forever I could not bare that pain!

An invisible daddy was better than no daddy, but no crying in the world would change your decision.

What was done, was done and I never played a part in your life so why I would expect it to be any different when you decided to turn your back on me forever that day in the parking lot!

Not that I was not alone before but now it came more real for me that I will never be my daddy’s little girl who he adores more than life itself.

I will never have my daddy’s unconditional love because it was not I that ever matter the most to him.

Life would take on a whole new way of living for me all my hoping, praying and crying would come to stop now I knew for sure if I was to survive in this world I would have to depend on myself to get me through what life had in store for me.

Don’t ever think for a moment my heart ever stop yearning for your unconditional love because it never has!

But I have since learned how to live without it so it does not burn me alive.

Don’t ever doubt for a moment that there was not a day that went by that I yearn to cry out for your help just to hear from your lips that everything would be okay because you would make everything okay for me.

I would of have have been happy to live with that lie because that was better than being left to the wolves that ate me alive and when they were done with me reality hit me of just how alone I was with no one to comfort me or take care of me afterwards.

This was my reality for me I was left defenseless and helpless in this cruel world alone with not only with one invisible parent but two.

But times have change no longer am I that little girl and all those years wasted and neither you or I could ever get back what has been robbed from the both us.

We have both learned from our mistakes and now all we can do is move forward in life leaving the past where it is.

Though you are still not one-hundred percent invisible in my life there is one thing I do know for sureĀ in your own way you have always loved me unconditionally you just never knew how to show it to me.

Every now and then I get to catch just a very small glimpse of that love you have for me but I wont lie there is a not a part in me that wishes that I could have all of you!

Though I have forgiven you and I love you more than life itself, I am not sure if my heart can ever be mended by what has been done.

To me you will always be my invisible daddy.

Love always your daughter 8/28/2013