I have stated in an earlier post that I am doing a Bible Study called Made To Crave by Lysa Terkeurst with the Proverbs 31 Ministries.
Lysa Terkeurst shows us in her book how to let go of food as our comforter and to crave God more. Sounds simple right but it’s just not that simple for me.
Let me take you on a little journey through my childhood and adulthood then we can see why I am struggling with this….
As a child I was the chunky kid I didn’t know it but the kids at school were more than glad to let me know just how fat I was.
I will never forget this one school I went to it was a new school for me and I did not know anyone. And I would never get the chance to know anyone or make friends because I would not be attending that school for long.
Day one of school rolled around and no sooner did my feet hit the ground kids were yelling at me ” Here comes the elephant” “Here comes train tracks” (due to the fact that I also had braces) “Your so fat, ugly flat chested, whale and on and on it went.
By the end of day I just wanted to go home and die! I never wanted to see another day of school in my life!
To me I thought I look good and I did not think for one second that I was fat and still till this day I don’t see it or think it, but the scales don’t lie and the docs. I am not just fat but obese.
Before I get to how I got to be obese let’s get back to my school days…
At that time I was living with my grandmother and when she asked me how my day was I lied and said it was great.
Me telling her how bad the kids treated me was one not her problem and two she wouldn’t care anyways. Her motto was to thank them for the comment and let them know that they had help me finally figure out what I was and walk way.
I am not to sure how thanking them and accepting the fact of the names they called me would help me, but on thing I did do was walk away.
Instead I would suck in the pain, the tears and walk away with my head held high as if it didn’t bother me!
But oh how much it did hurt to the core of my soul, so much that by the fifth day of school I made a vow to myself that I would never return to that school ever again!
And trust me when I said that, that was exactly what I did I never went back to school again!
Now I know your thinking how is this even possible, but I was a cleaver little eleven year old child. My grandmother had to be at work by 6 am so she would always be way up earlier than I was and she was always gone before I had to get ready for school so it made it easy for my master plan to work.
I would get up and pretend like I was getting ready for school and as soon as she walked out the door I was free to do as I please.
Now I also had one other person who helped me in this scam and that was my neighbor. She went to the same school I did and we made a deal if I did her homework for her she would make excuse for me at school for not being there and by golly george our planned worked.
That was till the school finally decided to come knocking at my door and ask my grandmother why I had only attended five days out of the school year?
The cat was out of the bag now. They gave her an ultimatum either I get my but in school next year or CPS would come get me.
Let me just say this school was so bad that I actually choose foster homes because I thought they had to be way better than my home life and that school and so off I went to CPS.
After spending some time in foster homes I would soon find out they were just as bad as the school system and my messed up family and if not a lot worse.
Living in foster homes nobody cares about you or what you did! I pretty much had free reign to do as I please as along as I was back by curfew. So that ‘s what I did I ran the streets all day and this is where I learned how much I was loved by men. Yes grown men in there thirty’s and up.
Being thirteen years old I was naive and having someone always hate me it was refreshing to know that these men loved me for me and who thought I was absolutely beautiful to them.
So I thought, it wouldn’t be too much later in life that I would realize that these men were only using me for one thing and that was to be their sex toy and nothing more!
By my eighteen birthday I would’ve been raped more times than I could think of, I got to experience first hand what prostitution was and what it meant and I would have had three kids but one I decided to abort because I could barely handle the two I had.
These are the consequence one faces when one doesn’t know who God is or is just on some rebellion gone wild streak. Now I know and understand why God and parents make rules for me and understand that it was to protect to me, but at that time I was not hearing it!
I wanted my way and boy did I not only suffer a lot of consequences because of my actions, but there were also a lot of people and my kids who suffer right along with me.
So here I was eighteen years old my life all messed up, one kid with my grandmother and the other kid with me on the streets homeless. This was not how I thought life would ended up for me.
In my mind I thought I be with some man who would abuse me, use me and I be the good housewife I was told to be but nope I was way wrong. My life would take on a whole another world I never dream of or knew of!
For the longest time drugs and alcohol were my to go to for comfort, to hide from the pain and to not exist in this awful life I was living. Between my eighteenth year and right up till the time that God and I had it out in the bathroom three years ago this was all I knew running, drinking and doing drugs.
Running from the pain, the losing of my children, the countless rapes, the prostitution, the beatings, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, the kidnappings, the murders I witness, homelessness and just from the life I was living!
In between all of this mess I had to deal with but was not dealing with to well, there was also my father who I would call every once a while to let him know that I was still alive. And just how I was still hanging on I didn’t know back then, but now I know it was by the Grace of God that I am here.
Out of everything I had to deal with all ready my dad when I called him was more concern with if I was still fat than anything else that was going on in my life.
You want to talk about a knife cutting straight through your heart this was it my very own father more concern with how fat I was instead of helping his daughter!
It is nothing but a miracle from God that after all I went through that I didn’t end up a anorexia, a cutter or suicidal. He and only He kept my mind sane enough so I would keep on pushing and going even though I wanted nothing more in this life than to just die!
So when three years ago God decided to take everything away from me that I loved so dearly and depend on ( the drugs and alcohol) I was so grateful on the one hand because I was finally free from that bondage that had a hold on me for most of my life!
No longer did I crave or want the drugs and alcohol and I only wanted God, but I still did not know how to turn to God when I was hurting. So food really became my best friend because it was all I had left God made sure of that.
His purpose was for me in those times of need to look to Him and depend on Him, but instead I did what I always do best and knew well and that was to run! I ran right to the food and been running for the last three years now.
This is how I became obese weighing in at 270 pounds 5′ 4 tall and this is the biggest I have ever been in my life!
Looking back now at pictures I’m amazed how blind I was to the fact how fat I was and even till this day I know it I can see it, but I still deny it!
In my crazy head I think I am skinny not like skinny like a toothpick but not so fat like a whale either just middle ground skinny if that makes sense.
I have used my weight for so many years to protect me from men because I thought the fatter I was the less they would want me but that never worked, they still wanted me no matter how big I was.
I have down play my food intake for way too long because I am not a person who sits on the couch all day long eating.
This does not mean I don’t have a problem, otherwise I wouldn’t be slowly but surely getting bigger and bigger as the years go by.
I have used food as my comforter and as my security blanket for way to long and now it’s time to stop!
It’s time to stop running away from things and start running towards God!
It’s time He becomes my security, my protector and my comforter in my of times of need and not food!
It’s time I stop making excuses of why I can’t lose the weight, or I’m not that fat, that I don’t really got a problem, and that I don’t eat that much, because I do have serious problem here and it needs to end now!
So this is me coming forward admitting that I am fat, I need to lose some weight and food is a substitute to deal with things I don’t want to deal with and that I don’t to look to God in those times of need when I should.
It’s time for me to take a leap of faith, put my trust in God and no longer use food as my security blanket!
I can do this with God! Yeshua looked at them and said, “Humanly, this is impossible; but with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26 (CJB)
Love Always One Of God’s Children 2/1/2014