Sitting here barely holding on if it wasn’t for God I think I be going crazy!!
Instead I’m sitting here trying to make sense of all that has happen and still going on.
God had a purpose and plan for us and in one night we shatter it all to pieces.
Words spoken from the both of us that should never been said.
One thing leads to another and here I sit injured in so many ways besides what is seen on the outside and you now sitting in jail.
How can this be? I ask but I know how all too very well.
Love was never supposed to hurt but ours did…
Our love for each other cut so deep that it caused us to hurt one another physically and emotionally.
I could hear My Father telling me to let go of you before it was too late, but I choose not to listen.
Besides I couldn’t believe that you would ever really hurt me anymore than the words you spewed at me time and time again and again.
But to my surprise you did hurt me in so many ways, till you cross the line and sent a blow to my face that had left me scared with a mark to remind me for life what you did.
Your words, the jealousy, the betrayals, the lies, the control and there was nothing I could to do to satisfy you.
I took everything you threw my way piercing my heart like a knife that would cut deeper and deeper each time you attacked me.
I tried talking to God, I tried talking to others, but nothing seemed to help me with the hurt I was feeling.
It felt like everything I was trying to do was making things only worse for us and for me.
When in reality all I was really doing was putting band aids on things and then sitting back hoping and praying that it would heal and get all better before it busted right open again.
Day in and day out I walked around carrying this deep burning hurt that was way deep down inside of me just scratching and itching to get out and to be free.
I tried to love you unconditionally, I tried to submit to you and I tried to be kind to you but nothing seem to work with you, all I got in return was more heart ache and more pain.
What was I to do?
Where was I to go?
You were the only person I knew and had, I couldn’t just walk away.
So since nothing else seem to work I started to just spewing ugly words right back at you.
And I made a choice to fight you if that’s what it came down to no matter what the cost was.
I tried time again and again to tell you how much you were hurting me and that I couldn’t take it no more, but all you would tell me was you know, that you was sorry, that you would change and that you wouldn’t hurt me no more.
But nothing ever did seem to change with you and if it did, it was only for a fleeting moment.
Kindness didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere with you.
So what was I to do?
I choose to repay evil for evil, instead of choosing to just walk away from it all.
Oh trust me God had warned me of the consequence for this behavior, but I didn’t take heed to what He said.
Because I was hurting and I be darned if I be the only one who hurt in this relationship!
I wanted you so badly to feel the pain that was burning in me like a roaring fire, that I didn’t care what it cost us as long as you hurt like I did.
Our love was so toxic to the point that neither one of us wanted to let go.
My hunger for wanting unconditional love from you was so strong that I choose to stay and suffer, then to just leave.
Plus I had my very own personal reasons for not wanting to let go of you.
Even though I knew this was not the unconditional love that God had promise me it was still better than nothing.
So I stayed and we fought till it landed you in jail, it left me scarred for life and our marriage just like that shatter.
Not that our marriage wasn’t all ready shatter before all this went down.
But I was fine with going on living in dream land telling myself that things were not that bad, that God would fix everything and that things would be worst for me if I was to leave you.
It was best that I stayed where I was because at least I had something, and something was better than nothing.
Now all of my dreams I had for us were being shatter right in front of my own very eyes.
Sitting here in disbelief trying to grasp the fact that my marriage may have been nothing more than a whisper in the night.
You and I are Christians in no way the way we was acting should’ve been going in our own home, but oh it was and it did.
The fact that I was supposed to be obeying God didn’t stop me at all, because the hunger of my pain was calling and I had to answer to it.
I knew better, and I knew this was not what God had expected out of me but my emotions and fear wouldn’t let me take heed to God or to what God was telling me to do.
All I could think about was me, how I was being hurt and that I wasn’t going to let you get away with it.
I was trying so hard to hold on to the dream that you were the perfect husband and I was the perfect wife that you wanted me to be, but deep down inside I knew we weren’t.
I knew that we was only playing house and that unconditional love that God called us to have for one another, I knew it didn’t live here but I was too scared to do anything about it.
The only thing left in my heart for you was bitterness that roamed day and night haunting me nonstop.
I tried to tell you but you would hear nothing of it, you would tell me we was fine, that we loved each other, that all married couples have their problems to not worry, just forgive, move on and to just trust God that He would work it all out.
But I knew there was something really deeply wrong with our marriage, but I choose instead to keep going along with it any ways because I had too much to lose besides you.
So I went on putting my smile on for everyone to see, pretending everything was fine and when I had a chance I would tell those who was willing to listen as to what was really going on in our home.
But all I got in return was that they would pray for me, to work on myself, to let God deal with you and for me to keep on trusting God to work everything out.
So that’s what I did and kept on doing, because I’m a Christian and God hates divorces.
It seemed to me that no one saw the red the flags like I did, or they choose not to.
It seemed to me that they were more concern with us staying together, because we all know God hates divorce.
Not only did I have fears about where I would go if I was to leave you, but what would God think of me just walking away from my marriage?
Then there was my family to think about to, and what would they say if I just up and walked away?
Also there was other facts like there was no way I would allow my marriage to fail.
There was no way I would allow you to cause me to lose everything.
And there was no way I would let my dreams be shattered because we couldn’t control ourselves!
How silly of me to think that I could do anything to stop what was going on under our own roof or that I was even able to control anything.
When in reality the only one who was in control was God, but I was too afraid to let go of you and grab onto Him.
Because I couldn’t trust God that He would have something better plan for me or maybe even for us.
So here I sit now with my dreams shatter the very ones that I tried so hard to hold onto so dearly with my own very life.
Our happy home and marriage that I tried to portray and pretend to have is gone like a midst into thin air.
I just wish that for once we could stop pretending and be really truthful with one another and face the fact that neither one of us knew how to love unconditionally as God had called us to and admit that we really never had a marriage to being with.
Just maybe if we both had stop pretending and been honest with one another we wouldn’t be sitting were we are today.
Instead I choose to let my fears keep me from leaving you and the very fact that I don’t believe in divorce.
Our whole marriage was built on nothing but lies and hopes of trying to make something out of nothing.
We were just to two very hurt lost souls trying to find our way in each other.
Instead of giving each other the unconditional love we both so desperately needed, we choose to hurt one another instead and look where that got us.
Now here we are both walking away from this with our dreams shatter into a million pieces.
I have learned through all of this that the pain can cut deeper than love.
Especially when you know the one who you loved was supposed to protect you and love you, and they didn’t.
They choose instead to hurt you.
That’s when you die and the pain comes alive in you to hurt those that are hurting you.
Who knows if anything can from this only God’s knows what’s next for us….?
Till then my love just know I tried to love you as God wanted me to the best I knew how to.
Love Always Your Wife Orenda 4-25-2013