Matthew 6:14 “For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well.
Day 39: Breaking Free From The Reigns Of Unforgiveness…
“So often we think there is only one way of looking at things. We think we know what is real and what is true. God’s perspectives is often different from ours; sometimes even dramatically so.” Nina Roesner
Thirty-four and half years wasted in what I thought was real in my mind all my life that everybody, everything and even God was out to get me and hated me. Thirty-four and half years wasted and blinded by what I believed for so long was the truth that I was nothing but the scum of the world that everyone hated me. Every last little detail that ever happen to me in my life I blamed everyone and even God for the way I was!
All those years of abuse I faced at the hands of others, my life being screwed up, me losing my children, the multiple of rapes I faced, the drugs, the alcohol, my childhood being screwed up, my father abandoning me, my mother abandoning me, me being homeless, and me having to become a prostitute just to survive it was because of them that I was the scum of the earth! The rage that burned in me was like roaring volcano that burn and erupted over and over for thirty-four and half years!
Nothing could ever stop the rage that was burning inside of me not even God because He was just as much as to blame as everyone else in my life was! The rage, the hatred, the bitterness, and the burning desire to pay back every last person who ever did me wrong is what kept me fueled for so long to hate everyone, everything and God too!
I was a woman on fire and it was best that you not get in my way because if need be I take you down with me too! I was scorn to the bone and my goal was to destroy all those who had hurt me or who even thought about it! Revenge and hatred had become my very best friends and I was on a mission to destroy everything!
Forgiveness was nowhere to be found not after all I had to endure all my life, there was no way I would ever forgive anyone and that was including God too! It’s funny how blind you become when you are in rage mode everything seems so black and white cut right straight down the middle, there is no such thing as their side and your side everything seems to become one sided.
That is exactly what happen to me I believed without a doubt in my mind that my side of the story was the only one that was one hundred percent straight up real, with pure facts and with all the evidence! Case closed as far as I was concerned I was the one who was being mistreated unjustly not them! If anything they owe me for all the pain and suffering they had cause me! Forgive them yeah right!
But God sure has His way of making you see things in a whole different light…..
Before I became a follower of Jesus Christ those years I spent lost, hurt, bitter, and full of anger I did learn a few things. Even though I could never let go of my anger towards everyone who ever abused me in my life, as I went through my own personal struggles I got to see everyone else in whole new way. My mom who I hated to the very core of my soul my heart through out those years began to soften for her.
As I struggle with my own kids I got to experience for myself how hard it is to raise them, and care for them all by yourself with the world that seems to be against you too. It’s not easy to take care of kids when you have to deal with so many other things that call for your attention too. I started to see my mom in a different light that she tried her best to raise us kids as best as she could with everything that she was going through. So I went from one hundred percent hating her to liking her but still blaming her for all that happen to me.
All the men who repeatedly abused me, raped me, used me, and treated me like I was scum on the bottom of their shoes that fire in me could not be put out so easy! I was holding onto my revenge for them with every ounce of fiber in my body! I understood that just like me maybe there life was messed up too, but to forgive them no way! It was because of them for the way I was and what I had become. They made me the woman I was and I hated them for that!
My father on the other hand I hated him because he was never there for me growing up! He turned his back on me and never looked back or care enough to save his daughter who was drowning. Instead he left me in the pool of sharks to be eaten alive! For that I could never forgive him it was all his fault too for the way my life was!
Now as far God went I blamed Him because even though I did not know if He exist or not from what I was told He was the one in charge of this world. In my mind it was His fault that He gave me the parents I had, it was His fault for all the abuse I endured because He did not stop it and it was His fault for the way I ended up!
I was also lead to believe by other people who believed God was real that all I had to do was ask Jesus Christ for forgiveness of my sins and He would take care of everything else in my life. Well they made God sound like some kind of magic genie who would poof fix away all my problems and I be all happy again and when that did not happen like I thought it would well that just added more fuel to the fire that was all ready burning towards God! I turn my back on Him, walked away from Him and kept on blaming Him for the longest time!
So there I was two years ago being held a prisoner of unforgiveness that I did not know at that time was the problem to everything that was going on in my life back then. I did not know by me holding onto all my rage I felt, the anger, the bitterness, the hatred, and the revenge I wanted so bad towards everyone including God that I was actually hurting my self and not anyone else including God.
I was so blindsided with my way of what I felt was true and real to me that I could not see their side or God side of the story at all. All I could focus on was my side of the story and the pain that ate away at me day and night that justified I was the one right and they were the ones in the wrong!
So what change? How did I move from being unforgiveness prisoner to set free?
God was what change my heart from an unforgiving heart to a heart that was able to forgive those who hurt me. He replaced His truth with my truth and made me see reality. It was because of His unconditional love that He had for me that I was able to forgive all those who hurt me.
Once I was able to see myself through God’s eyes as nothing but a sinner who did not deserve what He had done for me it was then and only then that I could see everyone else in my life as my equal a sinner too who need Jesus Christ forgiveness too. I was no better than they were we all sinned against God and deserve to go to hell, but He chose instead to forgive of us all of our sins through His only Son.
He made me realize that everyone played a part in my life including myself we all had choices to make and we all choose to make very unwise choices which lead to several consequences. We all did our best to survive in a world without God and because we choose to leave God out of the equation we all made a mess of things.
Once I stop blaming everybody including God and took responsibility for the choices I made and forgave everyone in my life it was then that God was able to set me free. No longer was I prisoner of myself or of unforgivness I was now free to live my life in God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness that He had given to me so freely!
“Forgiveness is a concept that moves a person forward in his or her faith as nothing else does. God is an expert on forgiveness because of His own experience with Jesus. “Forgive and you will be forgive” makes sense only after you understand the concept from God’s perspective.” Nina Rosener God Bless To All…..
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Love Always One Of God’s Children 8/17/2013